I am back

Blogging was to be a way for me to vent, exercise, articulate my ideas and the like. It never really happened. Sure I made some interesting comments, both on here and also in my associated blogs, but I never really found I had sufficient to say to keep this regularly happening. I still don't really.

Life is passing me by, I work, I sleep, I work some more. I hang out with friends on occasion, I try to keep enthusiastic about a hobby, but only get excited by it if I am buying stuff associated with it. I am interested in the models I am making, and enjoy the game too, but I still feel that I really aren't utilising my full potential.

I haven't written a story or script in years, I don't ever really find I have any good sustainable ideas, I haven't made a film for years, or been involved in one for a long time.

The old love life is very much non existent, no interest with anyone, no desire. My mind is often just wondering about my Tyranid army, how best to put it together and how best to paint it. That is all I have going on in the ol' cranium, kind of sad for someone of my calibre.

I really need to focus on saving now, Christmas isn't too far away, and I need to have sufficient money ready and available for Canada next summer.

Nothing much else to say really, been over 10 months since I last spoke, and thats all I have to offer now.

I really need to improve things.

Observing

I awaken...the world has barely changed, some superfical things have to be sure, but the world is still the same debauched vile over populated immenent disaster waiting to happen. Mankind, humans to be more exact, they just fill me full of dread and hatred. I want to sometimes just scoop them all up, and jettison them all into a void.

I have been asleep for close to 500 years this time, and the only distinct changes to the world is that of additional bipedal life forms now preying on the weak and infirm of this quagmire. Undead things, hybrids of science, disease and magic exponetionally growing in numbers, a heaving mess of animated rot that just keeps on devouring anything that lives, be it animal, man or plant. In there wake is just pustules of a once overly decadent society. Vampires and werewolves try to fight this tide, its a fight for survival for them too, if the undead destroy all humans and animals, then these too "higher", possibly superior lifeforms will be next. But the army of gluttony and sloth just keeps its steady pace as it creeps over the ruins of a society that has devoured itself, literally.

I am safe. I am superior to all this. Its a fact, not arrogance. I simply survive everything, and will do so long after the solar system has imploded into a firey super nova. This is a time that I an now looking forward too. A time when I have no need of Earths diversions, and a peacefulness and coolness of the vacuumn of space will embrace me.

I feel I could intervene. But why should I. The vampires and werewolves will only turn on each other once the undead are all extinguished. Their prize... whats left of the human livestock, because that is how they will be treated. If I liberate man from all of the above, then what... man ultimately turns on him and herself, and the cycle will begin anew.

I watch and wonder what was the point of this planet, and how did I come to be alone and here too. I have a kindred connection to the planet, to the geological nature of the world, and nothing at all with its inhabitants. I still have an irrational fondness for the flora and fauna of the world and feel that all the magic and glory will be lost by extentions of mans greed and gluttony.

The irony of what I see play out before me makes me smile, well as close as I can to a smile, the emotion of happiness is within though. Man's circle of life is not of balance and nurture, it is of greed and consumerism, and it just uses and uses and uses. I might like the next millenia or so being the only lifeform on this world, watching as nature eventually finds a way to re-seed the planet and begin again. I watch and hope that nature learns from its mistakes this time around and a new intelligent life takes precidence and this time has the sense to preserve straight away that which is only and always has been in finite supply.

Perhaps I should stear them, to all intence and purpose I could be a deity to whatever immerges from the sewerage that this lot leave behind. Who am I kidding, why would I want to shoulder an entire civilisations destiny and future? Soon this fight will be over, the vampires and werewolves will turn on each other, the humans and the undead, it will be a total furball of slaughter and mayhem with no winner, and nothing left to chronicle it or be chronicled by.

I decide its time to sleep again... this world has no interest in it for me, so I will sleep, and awaken again sometime yet to come and see if the world is ready for me, or at least worthy of a little hope and of my interest.

Overstepping myself

I made a big mistake the other day whilst at work, I declared myself a god. Now I was doing so to stress the importance of my job and to the degree of responsibility and control I am taking for this particular part of my job, but really... a declaration of deity isn't really called for, and so, I have probably made myself out to be a total tit to all my colleagues, that or with a wee bit of luck I have instilled a fear a kin to the wrath of god type found in religous text.

I am currently in another predicament too. I am going to a Halloween party this weekend, and I have been offered to "stay the night". Now, the context here is key, it is a friend and former girlfriend that is making the offer. Now whilst there is an inherent practicality to this, I am possibly reading into it too much. Could this be an opening to rekindle the relationship... could it be exactly what is described and just a friend offering a friend a place to stay because of a late night drive. I really aren't sure as to what to make of this. I sense a degree of wishfullfilment here and I feel that I may well be in danger of overstepping on a friendship too.

There are days when I really wish I could just shut down my brain, cease thought and thinking. It is a major issue I have with me, and it effects almost everything I do. I think that the only genuine moments I have when I aren't self absorbed is when I am watching movies. The magic of escapism through the moving image is my only stablising thing in my life. Of course after it finishes, then the brain goes into overdrive dismantling and studying said films.

I am trying still to find a companion on the dating website, currently talking to two women, one I have never seen, and one that has a very unique look, and I hope I aren't subconsciously trying to meet her because of that. I like to think I am getting to know both women reasonably well, its slow, and neither of them is particularly articulate in what they write me, there again, I do tend to waffle on a bit, hopefully with an imbuned sense of fun though.

I feel with the "Unique" one that there maybe a spark, it maybe all one way at the moment, but I have a physical attraction for her, and also feel that we might be on similar wavelengths with interests too. I guess I have to try and learn from the last time and play it slowly and try not to jump to any rash decisions.

Deflated

I met her, twice actually, she was nice, pleasent company but there was no spark of magic, no heart pounding inner excitement, no restless thoughts about her. Basically I aren't attracted to her.

Now what?

I have been shopping the aisles of the dating site, looking for that one woman that makes me want to burst, but to no avail. I am talking regularly with another woman, little is known of her, though she has no problem with me still sleeping with a teddy in the bed. I like the little things that offer those special comforts and security.

I doubt my ability to even know what I want from a woman, and even more so, I doubt what I can offer her. Truly, I feel that a solitary life with a few friends and aquaintances is all I can really manage. I think my destiny has no place for relationships and coupling.

I wonder if perhaps I am being too picky, but surely when looking for and choosing someone to share your life with, you have the right to what only the best possible person to share it with. My only real criteria I have are, they must not smoke, must be single, and have no kids. Other than them, I like to think I could work with any other traits.

I am feeling a tad guilty about the lady I dated briefly, but in these matters the heart must surely take point, and if it doesn't feel a connection, an attraction of any kind, then surely its okay to politely move on.

I only hope I can eventually figure out what it is that I am to move on to, or into.

Wonders of Life

It has happened, I met a woman through that website, and I met her today. It was perhaps one of the most nervous moments I have had for a long time. Over coming doubts about whether she would show up, would I chicken out and walk past the bar? She is a really nice woman, she is alluring, smart and funny. We have many things in common, and a few things that we perhaps don't as yet share similar views of, but then I believe differences make spice for a relationship, and spice turns bland into exciting.

She wants to meet me again too, something I am deeply chuffed about. It does my self esteem good to know that someone wants to spend some time with me. I have a nagging issue in my head though from the break down of my last relationship, and thats how to keep myself exciting to know and be around? While I am sure that anyone who knows me, finds my company good, I wouldn't say many find me exciting. I am so often level headed, and laid back about many things, that I am the atheisis of comfortable.

I have to stop making excuses for not doing things, and start to think up reasons to actually do things. The lady, (she shall remain nameless here) aluded to weekends away, or short breaks into Europe as somethings she likes to do, and I distinctly got the impression she would like to do this with me perhaps in the not too distant future. Now, whilst enthusiasitic about said breaks, the practical nature of me, desperately wonders how the hell I would be able to afford to do them. I guess, where there is the will, there will be the way, and I just need to find the will to make this happen.

I am happy, and trying not to jump the gun. I just hope that I can sustain her interest in me beyond just wanting to be friends. I feel I need a little more now from my female companionship, and hope she wants the same from me too. Time will tell, but its a good start.

Daring to hope

Recently, whilst venting some frustration on the dating site I actually got some interest. Now, my usual inclination here is to get overtly excited, imagine an entire relationship, its concequences and outcome all in around 30 seconds and then decide its probably best I not pursue anything, however the first contact was from an older woman, who just wanted to be friends, so immediately I was freed from my own proclivity to destroy before starting a relationship. However, building a friendship with a total stranger isn't something I have done much of, at least not without some kind of physical interaction, such as sharing a class, event or job. But it was positive nonetheless, and I shall endeavour to try and build this.

The second interested female is of european orgins, a little younger than me, but approached me, actually completely blindsided me. I hadn't even seen her profile before. Now I have learnt not to get too excited or hopeful, to try and rein myself in and prevent my destructive prerelationship issue from happening, but at the same time, should I actually allow a little hope? Its not like we have made an arrangement for a date, or talked on the phone, its been one message from her, and a reply from me. I have to admit, I am kind of at a loose end with exactly how to conduct myself, I want to seem friendly and open, but with sufficient detachment so that if nothing happens I dont find myself feeling rejected. I wish I could have that kind of male quality that basically just doesnt care and seeks only fulfilment of their desire and libido. Alas tis not me, I am far too considered and caring, too concerned with how the woman would feel. In fact it is very probable that I concern myself with a womans enjoy of me more than I would my own enjoyment. I have often told myself that I gain my enjoyment from knowing that those I am with, be it lover or friend, have enjoyed themselves.

I guess, its time for the baby steps and the nervous boldness that may ensue should a date, and more work itself out. Patience is my ally here, and I will wait and see.

Can you be excited and patient all at the same?

The Invisiable Visable

My social life is crap.

I have 3 really good friends, but thanks to Warcraft, I see 2 of them less, but talk to them and their Blizzard constructed Avatars more, and I talk to my third friend less and less.

I have of course other friends, aquaintances, and colleagues, but for many of them, I really feel that I can't truly be me. Then again I can't be me with my good friends entirely and the problem is I really don't know me.

I have little to no enthusiasm for much of anything. I did a degree, wanted to pursue a filmmaking career, but after only a short time of my degree, guest speakers basically put pay to that notion, and from then on it was mostly down hill on the ambition front. Sure I completed and passed my degree, but so what. I can put letters after my name, and that means exactly what if I do?

My love life is non-existent. I am woefully inept at meeting any woman with a view to dating them, I just become the aquaintaince or maybe a friend. My manhood is all but invisible to women. I aren't talking about my penis, that would be overtly flambouyant and also illegal if it were visible all the time. No I am talking about the concept of being a man, after all, what is it to be a man these days. There is nothing a man can do that a woman can't, yet women still have things that men can't do, and for some, probably don't want to. Even shear size and brute force is diminishing, everyone seems to be getting smaller, so giants like me become more outcast than ever.

I aren't a lazy person, I like hard work, but when you get promoted, you get less and less physical stuff to do, and more and more cerebral stuff to do. I miss the need for a man to do physical work, to get hot and sweaty from an honest days work. I dislike having to deal with people when it is all about complaints or discipline needs. I love the notion of cavemen days, the idea that you could get a mate, a woman, because you were big, strong and capable. If that were the way of the world now, I could probably have a hareem if I chose to. But now a days its all about money, its all about good looks and being fastidiously healthy and body conscious. To me its all bollocks. I am convinced you can be big and healthy, and that society has concocted a fairy tale look and existence it wants to have and is trying to superimpose it over everyone.

There arent many people reading this, or if they are they are silent, but this very blog is proof of a change of society. I am effectively venting to an inanimate object the burning issues in my head. Caveman me would just go out there and club the problem, sort it out and get on. Simplicity should rule, and all the complicated bollocks of modern living should be gotten rid of.

All this angst, and simply its stems from a lack of recognition as a person, a man, a lover, a creative force or anything that can be quantified, measured or needed by anyone else. Really... and this is said with a total grip of sanity... if I were to die tomorrow, aside from immediate family and a few friends, within a few weeks I would be a memory and barely talked about. With in a few months, I would have faded away, physically and mentally.

All I want to do with my life is find its purpose, and to leave some kind of legacy that helps other people, or entertains them at the very least.

But how?