The Invisiable Visable

My social life is crap.

I have 3 really good friends, but thanks to Warcraft, I see 2 of them less, but talk to them and their Blizzard constructed Avatars more, and I talk to my third friend less and less.

I have of course other friends, aquaintances, and colleagues, but for many of them, I really feel that I can't truly be me. Then again I can't be me with my good friends entirely and the problem is I really don't know me.

I have little to no enthusiasm for much of anything. I did a degree, wanted to pursue a filmmaking career, but after only a short time of my degree, guest speakers basically put pay to that notion, and from then on it was mostly down hill on the ambition front. Sure I completed and passed my degree, but so what. I can put letters after my name, and that means exactly what if I do?

My love life is non-existent. I am woefully inept at meeting any woman with a view to dating them, I just become the aquaintaince or maybe a friend. My manhood is all but invisible to women. I aren't talking about my penis, that would be overtly flambouyant and also illegal if it were visible all the time. No I am talking about the concept of being a man, after all, what is it to be a man these days. There is nothing a man can do that a woman can't, yet women still have things that men can't do, and for some, probably don't want to. Even shear size and brute force is diminishing, everyone seems to be getting smaller, so giants like me become more outcast than ever.

I aren't a lazy person, I like hard work, but when you get promoted, you get less and less physical stuff to do, and more and more cerebral stuff to do. I miss the need for a man to do physical work, to get hot and sweaty from an honest days work. I dislike having to deal with people when it is all about complaints or discipline needs. I love the notion of cavemen days, the idea that you could get a mate, a woman, because you were big, strong and capable. If that were the way of the world now, I could probably have a hareem if I chose to. But now a days its all about money, its all about good looks and being fastidiously healthy and body conscious. To me its all bollocks. I am convinced you can be big and healthy, and that society has concocted a fairy tale look and existence it wants to have and is trying to superimpose it over everyone.

There arent many people reading this, or if they are they are silent, but this very blog is proof of a change of society. I am effectively venting to an inanimate object the burning issues in my head. Caveman me would just go out there and club the problem, sort it out and get on. Simplicity should rule, and all the complicated bollocks of modern living should be gotten rid of.

All this angst, and simply its stems from a lack of recognition as a person, a man, a lover, a creative force or anything that can be quantified, measured or needed by anyone else. Really... and this is said with a total grip of sanity... if I were to die tomorrow, aside from immediate family and a few friends, within a few weeks I would be a memory and barely talked about. With in a few months, I would have faded away, physically and mentally.

All I want to do with my life is find its purpose, and to leave some kind of legacy that helps other people, or entertains them at the very least.

But how?